She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
