oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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