What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
