My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
