WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My breasts were aching with rage.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
