We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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