I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She bit a glass in half.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
