i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
