Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
