I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
