so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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