My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
