Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
