i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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