Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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