Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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