My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
