Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
