It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
