Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
