My balls are so social today.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
