Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
