Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
