All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you have feelings for this penis?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
