Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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