im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
