Will you blow on my dice?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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