Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
