why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I am naked and annoyed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize