i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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