Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
