i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
