laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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