i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
