he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
