I think I won the penis lottery.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
