Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
