He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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