He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
