his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize