paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
