I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
