the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
