So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This is my gift to your gina
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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