Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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