Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
