just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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