Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
