ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
