On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
