I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
