this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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