I just cut my nipple shaving
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
