I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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