Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
