im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
