my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
