You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
