Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
