and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
