I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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