i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
