If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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